since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
