I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
