I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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