you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's shark week go big or go home
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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