Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
