i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
