I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
not ubering you a puppy
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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