I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
