I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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