Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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