Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
