Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
