im six kinds of drunk right now
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
