Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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