My friends, they love my intelligence
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
