At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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