how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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