i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
