You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
