The maid of honor just puked.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
