I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
