I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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