so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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