I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
