My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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