i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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