I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
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