If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
