i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
