Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
