You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
