I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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