i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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