The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
