im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i think i just lost a toe
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios