I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.