Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
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there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.