The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I party with great urgency now.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
