don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.