why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Bring me that man meat
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
