Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
