I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
