I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
