I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
