dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
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Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
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Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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