you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
