Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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