she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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