wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
