Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize