Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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