I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
