Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
