I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
