Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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