Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
