oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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