I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
