I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
