No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
