Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
