I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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