I puked a lego.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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